6. Thessaloniki

Self-portrait (shadow) with Yogi, Thessaloniki, Greece, 1970
 

Dear Nina - This is the most difficult photograph in my family album. When I pressed the shutter release button, what I saw is completely different from what I see now. I took the photograph a couple of months before this man sexually abused me. He was my supervisor and my mentor. I was an object of his desire. I trusted him. He was grooming me. For twenty-five years I disconnected from the photograph, or rather, from the memories associated with the photograph. In psychotherapy I was able to unravel what happened, and subsequently, revaluate the photograph, and the trauma.   

When I joined the ship Catriona was my girlfriend. We were intimate. When I left the ship intimacy was something else. After making the fifty-year anniversary photograph in Oban with Catriona, we drove to her house on the east coast of Scotland. Catriona had the letters I wrote to her from the ship. I did not recognize myself as the author. That guy was confident about intimacy. Between two letters the tone changed. The transition was distinct and disturbing. My memories are vague. I shut them off for so long. I know the experience was terrifying. Something got left behind.      

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9. Karl

Image
I’m fighting back tears in a Vienna restaurant. A guy sitting at the table next to me is sharing tidbits of local history with visiting out-of-towners. He’s telling them about the Soviet soldiers who liberated Vi enna in 1945. Thoughts about Karl have been percolating since I arrived in Vienna. We work ed together for 8 years in Canada. I may have shared a story or two about him on FB. He’s one of the most influential people on my life. We spent months at a time, often just the two us, living in a tent way up in the north. He was the closest person in my life, and I was in his, but so much was unsaid. I was transferred to Denver. Karl got laid off. The last time we met was in New York. He was staying in a dumpy hotel across from Madison Square Gardens. We washed down a dozen amphetamines with a bottle of whiskey. He told me about being in the same room while Soviet soldiers raped his mother - and then they raped him - during the liberation of Vienna. He also said that he was in love wi...
Read more

11. John, Eureka, Nevada

Image
Not the best photo, but it illustrates a significant event. I was working in Eureka, Nevada for many months by myself. At that time there were three restaurants in Eureka. Having sampled the dinner offerings from each menu several times I was done eating out. So, I bought an electric frying pan and a vegetable steamer and began cooking in my motel room. There was a grocery/liquor store across the street with a butcher. Each evening I'd buy some veg, a lump of meat and a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label. Three months into that routine, I was ordering a piece of Delmonico steak. "Make that two," I said to the butcher. As the words left my mouth there was a tap on my shoulder and a familiar voice, "Is the other steak for me Roddy?" It was my dear friend John Cuthill. He was driving from Reno to Denver and decided to swing by for a visit. I burst into tears. I was so lonely. We ate the steaks, drank the whisky and talked until the sun came up. Big life changes we...
Read more

10. Nina

Image
When contemplating Nina’s reality, constructed from her photographs, I see it’s similar to my own. The particulars are not the same but the general is familiar. Although we've never met, we're connected. She died in 1985. Her only child died in 1993. That's when I found the photo album. Nina, how did you know I would adopt your memories
Read more